Clair's Closet

S6EP04 - “Denise Kendall: Navy Wife” feat. Santa’s Little Helper 

If it looks like Christmas came early this year, it’s because it kind of did.  And if by Christmas you mean worst day of Denise’s life - as catalyzed by her mom dropping some seriously heavy guilt on her - then you’d also be correct.  How’d you get so good at figuring out the context of a single scene based solely on an outfit?  

Clair’s requirement for giving the kids a talking to is obvious:  be sure to dress like a Mod North Pole elf inflused with a Rothko painting.   How else is she going to be taken seriously?  

S6EP03 - “I’m ‘In’ With the ‘In’ Crowd” feat .Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves Queen of Tassels

Let’s get this out of the way quickly - nobody can even touch Cliff’s sweater in this scene.  That dip-dyed amazingness is tooooo good. Unnngghh!  Next time I’ll probably just crop it out but for now, you’re gonna’ have to avert your eyes children so we can move on to what really matters.

Denise is trying to conceal a pile of Vanessa’s boozy underage puke and I sort of can’t blame her for thinking maybe she can get away with it.  If my mom was trying to bust me while wearing a shantung silk Robin Hood outfit with tassels on the arms I’d probably think she was on some real high-end, Ambien-fueled, Winona shit.  And while you can’t really mess with that, you can usually expect some level of carelessness and oversight.  Alas, Clair hasn’t lost her mind, she just got a little bit too deep down the doo-doo brown-colored wardrobe hole.  

S6EP02 - “Surfs Up” feat. Spawn-semble of the Unlikely Threesome

I don’t think I need to state the obvious but everyone knows what happens at the end of that old story about Orange Julius having a threesome with Barney the Dinosaur and Teddy Ruxpin…. Duh.  This outfit gets born. I know it’s weird to think about a tv show character, a robotic plush toy and a food court beverage actually being compatible to procreate in a three-way context but once you get over the science of it all, the rest makes total sense.  While Cliff prefers his crypsis in its boldest form - the camo sweater - Clair ‘aint got nothin’ to hide; girl KNOW she look gooooddd.

S6EP01 - “Denise: The Saga Continues” feat. Ella Moss Cardi, meet ‘Rust’-colored Bodysuit

Remember the Ella Moss stripes from the early ‘00’s?  I do.  Those shits will haunt me forever - they were like the universal symbol for rich people with bad taste, japs who just graduated from NYU and my own personal descent into all time low-ness, from that one time I bought a ‘second-hand’ Ella Moss tank that surprise…. wasn’t even cute.  I digress.  Clair doesn’t give a shit about Ella Moss because her cardi happened about 10 years before that nasty shit even existed and it’s actually kind of cute, and let’s face it, probably made out of cashmere or infant body hair - something really chic and soft. For the purpose of this post we’re going to say the body suit she’s sporting underneath her cardi is ‘rust’ colored instead of straight up calling it doo doo brown. Rust is a nice way of saying that body suit literally looks like it was color-matched to Mr Hankey himself and btw, so what if it was; it still looks pretty rockin’ as part of that innovative, before-its-time ensemble.  

S5EP25 - “Day of the Locusts” feat. Patchwork Prosecutor

Oh hey… so, what’s better than a really amazing power blazer?  Howz about a million blazers combined into one???  This shit is like the AIDS quilt of fashion statements - a fucking patchwork masterpiece in all its glory.  No expense was spared to create this work of art and all the stars have aligned in Clair’s wardrobe to make this absolute perfection - hair, accessories, mustard blouse, serious face looks: ch-ch-ch-ch-check, check, check, check!  Ace in the hole young lady.

To support the AIDS Memorial Quilt please click here.

S5EP17 - “Can I Say Something Please?” feat. Paisley Jungle & The Golden Cougar  

Clair loves the patterned blouse + coordinating necklace combo.  She likes to mix and match and create a funky little ecosystem of each outfit.  This brown paisley plays Sarengeti to her golden cougar necklace… and as if the subtext here wasn’t sooo obvious, let’s not forget who the OG Golden Cougar really is mmmmm k?!  Yup, you guessed it.  The founder of business sexual, Ms. Clair Huxtable.

S5EP16 - “No Way Baby” feat. Kaleidoscope Kaftan 

It’s no coincidence that this is probably the most chic thing that Clair wears the entire 5th season and it’s also the outfit she is wearing to push around poor, one-eyed Sammy Davis Jr.  Through the looking glass(eye), it appears that this kaftan is a perfect kaleidoscope of colors, fusing Clair’s traditional power outfits with her worldly flair in a delightfully disorienting way.  But still, EPIC WIN CLAIR HUXTY!

S5EP22 - “Birthday Blues” feat. Ketchup & Mustard Masterpiece

Hey, Happy 94th Birthday Clair!! JK, WTF is that sign?  Are you fucking crazy?  Clair is the type who would definitely excommunicate whoever was responsible for that misguided slip up… Anyway, this suit reminds me of a Grays Papaya hot dog with a water color painting thrown into the middle of it.  Speaking of hot dogs and water color paintings, I can’t really think of a better way to celebrate one’s birthday than that winning combo.

S5EP15 - “The Lost Weekend” feat. the MIA LoveChild Starter Jacket

Let’s set up this scene real quick. Clair & Cliff bust into the house at the beginning of the episode.  They’re back from a long, relaxing weekend.  I don’t know where people went in 1989 for a long, relaxing weekend but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t say anything about the dress code being matching old people starter jackets.  Clair’s padded jacket looks like MIA had a baby with the cast of Kids Incorporated and then that baby took a mod color blocking 101 class at DeVry and well, before i get too far into this hypothetical baby’s life story - let’s just say the rest is history.  Thanks Clair.

S5EP12 - “Truth or Consequences” feat. The O.G. SweatSuit

So… everyone’s heard of a sweatsuit.  It’s like what Rocky wears in… Rocky.  It’s like what Clair wore in the last episode we blogged about - when she was trying to lose a few to fit into a dress, right?  Nope! THINK AGAIN.  Apparently, a REAL SweatSuit is like a pantsuit made of sweatshirt material and it’s not for sports or working out AT ALL.  It’s strictly business, Clair Huxty Stee.  My brain doesn’t wanna’ believe it but my eyes cannot be fooled - this is a sweatsuit, so deal.