Clair's Closet

S6EP04 - “Denise Kendall: Navy Wife” feat....

Wed, 07 Sep 2011 12:17:00 -0400

S6EP04 - “Denise Kendall: Navy Wife” feat. Santa’s Little Helper

If it looks like Christmas came early this year, it’s because it kind of did. And if by Christmas you mean worst day of Denise’s life - as catalyzed by her mom dropping some seriously heavy guilt on her - then you’d also be correct. How’d you get so good at figuring out the context of a single scene based solely on an outfit?

Clair’s requirement for giving the kids a talking to is obvious: be sure to dress like a Mod North Pole elf inflused with a Rothko painting. How else is she going to be taken seriously?

S6EP03 - “I’m ‘In’ With the...

Wed, 31 Aug 2011 11:48:30 -0400

S6EP03 - “I’m ‘In’ With the ‘In’ Crowd” feat .Robin Hood: ~~Prince of Thieves~~ Queen of Tassels

Let’s get this out of the way quickly - nobody can even touch Cliff’s sweater in this scene. That dip-dyed amazingness is tooooo good. Unnngghh! Next time I’ll probably just crop it out but for now, you’re gonna’ have to avert your eyes children so we can move on to what really matters.

Denise is trying to conceal a pile of Vanessa’s boozy underage puke and I sort of can’t blame her for thinking maybe she can get away with it. If my mom was trying to bust me while wearing a shantung silk Robin Hood outfit with tassels on the arms I’d probably think she was on some real high-end, Ambien-fueled, Winona shit. And while you can’t really mess with that, you can usually expect some level of carelessness and oversight. Alas, Clair hasn’t lost her mind, she just got a little bit too deep down the doo-doo brown-colored wardrobe hole.

S6EP02 - “Surfs Up” feat. Spawn-semble of the...

Mon, 29 Aug 2011 11:43:43 -0400

S6EP02 - “Surfs Up” feat. Spawn-semble of the Unlikely Threesome

I don’t think I need to state the obvious but everyone knows what happens at the end of that old story about Orange Julius having a threesome with Barney the Dinosaur and Teddy Ruxpin…. Duh. This outfit gets born. I know it’s weird to think about a tv show character, a robotic plush toy and a food court beverage actually being compatible to procreate in a three-way context but once you get over the science of it all, the rest makes total sense. While Cliff prefers his crypsis in its boldest form - the camo sweater - Clair ‘aint got nothin’ to hide; girl KNOW she look gooooddd.

S6EP01 - “Denise: The Saga Continues” feat. Ella...

Thu, 25 Aug 2011 23:38:00 -0400

S6EP01 - “Denise: The Saga Continues” feat. Ella Moss Cardi, meet ‘Rust’-colored Bodysuit

Remember the Ella Moss stripes from the early ‘00’s? I do. Those shits will haunt me forever - they were like the universal symbol for rich people with bad taste, japs who just graduated from NYU and my own personal descent into all time low-ness, from that one time I bought a ‘second-hand’ Ella Moss tank that surprise…. wasn’t even cute. I digress. Clair doesn’t give a shit about Ella Moss because her cardi happened about 10 years before that nasty shit even existed and it’s actually kind of cute, and let’s face it, probably made out of cashmere or infant body hair - something really chic and soft. For the purpose of this post we’re going to say the body suit she’s sporting underneath her cardi is ‘rust’ colored instead of straight up calling it doo doo brown. Rust is a nice way of saying that body suit literally looks like it was color-matched to Mr Hankey himself and btw, so what if it was; it still looks pretty rockin’ as part of that innovative, before-its-time ensemble.

S5EP25 - “Day of the Locusts” feat. Patchwork...

Wed, 03 Aug 2011 11:35:25 -0400

S5EP25 - “Day of the Locusts” feat. Patchwork Prosecutor

Oh hey… so, what’s better than a really amazing power blazer? Howz about a million blazers combined into one??? This shit is like the AIDS quilt of fashion statements - a fucking patchwork masterpiece in all its glory. No expense was spared to create this work of art and all the stars have aligned in Clair’s wardrobe to make this absolute perfection - hair, accessories, mustard blouse, serious face looks: ch-ch-ch-ch-check, check, check, check! Ace in the hole young lady.

To support the AIDS Memorial Quilt please click here.

S5EP17 - “Can I Say Something Please?” feat. Paisley...

Mon, 01 Aug 2011 09:32:27 -0400

S5EP17 - “Can I Say Something Please?” feat. Paisley Jungle & The Golden Cougar

Clair loves the patterned blouse + coordinating necklace combo. She likes to mix and match and create a funky little ecosystem of each outfit. This brown paisley plays Sarengeti to her golden cougar necklace… and as if the subtext here wasn’t sooo obvious, let’s not forget who the OG Golden Cougar really is mmmmm k?! Yup, you guessed it. The founder of business sexual, Ms. Clair Huxtable.

S5EP16 - “No Way Baby” feat. Kaleidoscope...

Thu, 07 Jul 2011 13:05:05 -0400

S5EP16 - “No Way Baby” feat. Kaleidoscope Kaftan

It’s no coincidence that this is probably the most chic thing that Clair wears the entire 5th season and it’s also the outfit she is wearing to push around poor, one-eyed Sammy Davis Jr. Through the looking glass(eye), it appears that this kaftan is a perfect kaleidoscope of colors, fusing Clair’s traditional power outfits with her worldly flair in a delightfully disorienting way. But still, EPIC WIN CLAIR HUXTY!

S5EP22 - “Birthday Blues” feat. Ketchup &...

Wed, 06 Jul 2011 11:21:38 -0400

S5EP22 - “Birthday Blues” feat. Ketchup & Mustard Masterpiece

Hey, Happy 94th Birthday Clair!! JK, WTF is that sign? Are you fucking crazy? Clair is the type who would definitely excommunicate whoever was responsible for that misguided slip up… Anyway, this suit reminds me of a Grays Papaya hot dog with a water color painting thrown into the middle of it. Speaking of hot dogs and water color paintings, I can’t really think of a better way to celebrate one’s birthday than that winning combo.

S5EP15 - “The Lost Weekend” feat. the MIA LoveChild...

Tue, 05 Jul 2011 09:02:52 -0400

S5EP15 - “The Lost Weekend” feat. the MIA LoveChild Starter Jacket

Let’s set up this scene real quick. Clair & Cliff bust into the house at the beginning of the episode. They’re back from a long, relaxing weekend. I don’t know where people went in 1989 for a long, relaxing weekend but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t say anything about the dress code being matching old people starter jackets. Clair’s padded jacket looks like MIA had a baby with the cast of Kids Incorporated and then that baby took a mod color blocking 101 class at DeVry and well, before i get too far into this hypothetical baby’s life story - let’s just say the rest is history. Thanks Clair.

S5EP12 - “Truth or Consequences” feat. The O.G....

Mon, 27 Jun 2011 14:01:10 -0400

S5EP12 - “Truth or Consequences” feat. The O.G. SweatSuit

So… everyone’s heard of a sweatsuit. It’s like what Rocky wears in… Rocky. It’s like what Clair wore in the last episode we blogged about - when she was trying to lose a few to fit into a dress, right? Nope! THINK AGAIN. Apparently, a REAL SweatSuit is like a pantsuit made of sweatshirt material and it’s not for sports or working out AT ALL. It’s strictly business, Clair Huxty Stee. My brain doesn’t wanna’ believe it but my eyes cannot be fooled - this is a sweatsuit, so deal.

S5EP10 - “If the Dress Fits, Wear it” feat. Dov Charney’s...

Thu, 16 Jun 2011 12:46:00 -0400

S5EP10 - “If the Dress Fits, Wear it” feat. Dov Charney’s Wet Dream

What’s that? You’re about to lose control and you think you LIKE it??? Either way, that’s kind of what this looks like. In my mind, Clair’s plethora of purple workout gear is straight out of Dov Charney’s wet dream. And in case you can’t see it, that unitard has a jewel-colored parrot on it. BAM! I think if there’s one thing we can learn from this episode it’s that: working out is never fun but sometimes, it can maybe be fashionable. Thanks Clair.

S5EP10 - “If the Dress Fits, Wear it” feat. Velvet...

Tue, 14 Jun 2011 11:24:15 -0400

S5EP10 - “If the Dress Fits, Wear it” feat. Velvet ToryBurchleneck

If you mix a velvet cape, a pirate shirt, Steve Job’s mock turtle, Tory Burch’s branding and a little bit of classic Clair Huxty stee together - this is basically what you get: The Velvet ToryBurchleneck. It is a signature piece that says “I’m a lawyer bitch! and B-T-DUBS, Cliff can you pleeeease get the F out of my bedroom so I can have my dress fitting.” No nonsense, just elegance and passive-aggressive order-giving.

S5EP09 - “How do you Get to Carnegie Hall?” feat....

Tue, 07 Jun 2011 13:45:25 -0400

S5EP09 - “How do you Get to Carnegie Hall?” feat. Jazzy Mohair Love Affair Cardigan

I don’t know how you get to Carnegie Hall, but I know one thing… it doesn’t involve having a creepy old lady dressed in a gold sequined potato sack sing sweet love songs on your dinner plate. Because apparently THAT is the recipe for how you make Cliff & Clair have one of their awkward love moments. BARFYYYY!

This is another episode where Vanessa has at least 5 epic wardrobe changes while Clair wears a boring red sweater pretty much the whole time and then for 5 seconds at the end (in the dark no less!) she rocks something that blows everything else out of the water. I can’t blame Cliff for wanting to nuzzle up on this fuzzy mohair cardi. I kind of want to too <3

S5EP08 - “Cyranoise de Bergington” feat....

Wed, 01 Jun 2011 13:28:00 -0400

S5EP08 - “Cyranoise de Bergington” feat. TechniCardigan

It’s hard to see from this screen grab but take my word for it: this cardigan is fucking glorious.

It is floor-length. Multi-colored. Multi-textured. There’s a broach pinned to the front of it and it’s only featured at the beginning of this convoluted Cyrano-referencing-episode for about 2 seconds. Cue open letter to the Cosby Show Season 5 wardrobe department… what the hell are you doing?!?! You don’t release a beautiful bird like this into the wild, only to murder it 2 seconds later… YOU FOOLS.

PS - A high school sized Naomi Campbell is also randomly in this episode. Theo tries to mack on her and she obviously shuts him down with the ice queen treatment. Basically, another reason to skip episode 8 “Cyrano de Ballsack”.

S5EP06 - “The Birth” feat. Mohegan Sun Midwife...

Wed, 25 May 2011 12:53:32 -0400

S5EP06 - “The Birth” feat. Mohegan Sun Midwife Vest

Everybody be cool. Clair doesn’t lose her shit just because Sondra’s having a contraction in the kitchen and Elvin is totally incompetent. Oh no. Clair channels the calming powers of her Mohegan vest and prepares for her duties as overbearing den mother / midwife. Hoooaahhh!

Also of note, Elvin’s leather zip-up vest.

S5EP05 - “Out of Brooklyn” feat. Kimono of...

Tue, 24 May 2011 13:04:28 -0400

S5EP05 - “Out of Brooklyn” feat. Kimono of Death

When Clair puts on the Kimono of Death it’s clear that things get pretty serious. Arms get crossed. Cliff & Vanessa’s faces go all dead-like. Denise has a panic attack. Surely, fear of the return of a Season 4 bushido broach-type moment abound…

S5EP05 - “Out of Brooklyn” feat. Gotcha’...

Sun, 22 May 2011 21:13:05 -0400

S5EP05 - “Out of Brooklyn” feat. Gotcha’ Leather Skirt

Please note: The opening credits have not even finished rolling and what do we have herreeee?? Clair is fucking murdering this whole fucking episode and it hasn’t even started yet, bitches! That leather pencil skirt + vertical striped blouse is a winning combo straight out of Dov Charney’s bag of tricks. If Business Sexual was a dress code, this would definitely be it.

S5EP04 - “Move It” feat. the Olive Branch...

Sat, 21 May 2011 00:52:59 -0400

S5EP04 - “Move It” feat. the Olive Branch Broach

There is a noticeable pattern with Clair’s wardrobe that specifically involves one very important accessory, the broach. If you’ll notice, every time she is featured wearing a broach + sitting in this chair, that basically = whoever is sitting opposite of her better GIRD THEIR GODDAMN LOINS! Funny enough, this broach looks like an Olive Branch and Sandra & Elvin have come to ~~propose a peace offering~~ ask for money so that sort of makes sense…

S5EP04 - “Move It” feat. The Photo Hunt...

Fri, 20 May 2011 15:58:00 -0400

S5EP04 - “Move It” feat. The Photo Hunt Suit

Let’s get to it - ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHERS… can you spot it? Clair and Cliff show up to Sandra & Elvin’s brokedown palace and Clair’s all “are you sure I’m not going to explode if I step inside????”. I’m not so sure to be honest, I feel you girl - you are looking about a billion times fancier than every other thing in this screen grab. It’s no coincidence that when they showed up Elvin had to put out a stove fire - Clair is fierce and about to burst into fashion flamez!

S5EP03 - “Rudy’s All-Nighter” feat. Copy Cat...

Thu, 19 May 2011 11:53:49 -0400

S5EP03 - “Rudy’s All-Nighter” feat. Copy Cat Killer

Still kind of getting over the title of this episode but anyway… WOW. I don’t know if the Cosby wardrobe department got a deal on pink shirts or if the writers were robotripping while writing this and thought of the pink elephant scene from Dumbo. Either way, I know one thing: Clair just outdid herself. Let’s just come out and say it. She copied the kids and 100% murdered it.